Psychic Jokes

Psychic Readings

Psychic Jokes  

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright

Biff went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. "There seems to be a horrible, dark cloud surrounding me."

"I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it."

Biff thought the fee was high, but, eager to be cured, he handed over the money to the psychic. After pocketing the fee, the psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.

Then Biff asked, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"

The psychic waved the match down behind Biff and said, "Mexican food."
YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
  • He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
  • Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
  • Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
  • His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
  • His spoon bending requires two pliers.
  • Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
  • During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
  • Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
  • Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
  • Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
  • Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."


Two psychic healers meet in the street - "You're fine - how am I?"

Where do fortune tellers dance? .....The crystal ball

What trees do fortune tellers look at? .......Palms

When two psychic friends met, one said:

"You are fine. How am I ?"

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